You think you’re going to die, but then you don’t

I’ve maybe acted like it, but I’ve never said (nor do I believe) that I have things all together. You might know, if you’ve been following our story, that Mr. Wonderful’s job went away this summer, and he was wrongly accused of horrendous things. We’re now 5 months later, and today, Mr. Wonderful has an appointment with a lawyer to hopefully undo some of the damage done by a fanatical hater who wanted to bring strife into, and even ruin the career of a very good man, my husband, Mr. Wonderful.

I’ve been awake for the last hour, trying to calm down. I’m stressing out, and I don’t know how to calm myself. The Lord says, “Find your rest in me.” I know that. But HOW? Tell me, and I’ll do it. I got a glass of water, and tossed up a desperate prayer: “God help me know what you want me to do.” And the image in my mind, was of the Bible Mr. Wonderful got for me several years ago. I saw it as I got into bed last night, sitting on the floor, next to my bed.

So after several moments and several deep breaths, I walked into our room. I sat on the edge of the bed and laid my hand and arm on Mr. Wonderful’s sleeping form. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to ignite a fire in his belly, to be of a single mind when it comes down to what to do next. I prayed that the Lord envelop him in His loving arms, to wipe away the bitter tears, and begin a work in him that will take us on to the next step. I prayed that the Lord grant him favor in everything he does, especially the meetings today, and that those counselling Mr. Wonderful would find new and different ways to attack the problem, and knock the enemy from his platform of gloating.

I also praised Him, in the dark, in my lavender bathrobe, with morning breath and messy hair. I thanked God for His goodness and for sustaining us through this trouble so far. I thanked him for loving us, and for saving us, and for his constancy.  Then I grabbed my pink Bible with the silver-edged pages from the floor, and walked out to the kitchen and turned on the light.

I cleared a space at the high counter and pulled up a stool and read from Pastor Tricia’s weekly meditations (which I’ll admit, I didn’t have it placed nicely in my Bible. No. It was in a huge stack of papers that I cleared away. I happened to glance at it, and God showed me it was a good place to begin.) The paper said to read Colossians 1:15-20, and to draw a picture of one of the ways Jesus is shown to be in those verses.

Colossians 1:15-20 (NIV)

The Supremacy of the Son of God

15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

I read the verses, which, at age 40, is no small task with no glasses in reach and first thing in the morning. I read them, and then I drew a stick-figure picture representing verse 15. Then I wrote out the rest of the verse. I wrote that verse on the back of a sheet of paper with information on saying that my insurance is dropping Mr. Wonderful from the plan, because of costs.

THAT is how I find rest in Him. Something which is causing me stress and worry, I hand over to God, by writing (or speaking) truths about Him on it and then letting go. Which you know isn’t easy, and I’m SO not perfect. A thought which kept at me while I was praying over Mr. Wonderful is that everyone says, “Take things one day at a time.” And I kept thinking, “This day might kill me. I don’t have the strength to do this day.”

God doesn’t ask us to take even a whole day at a time. He asks us to go minute-by-minute if we need to. God wants us to rely on him every second. Our God is a GREAT BIG GOD! He can handle our moodiness. He can wrap us in His loving arms and wipe away those tears of sadness, turning them into tears of joy. He is bigger than everything, anything that plagues us: remembering past misdeeds, illness, strife, and even people who hate you and are trying to bring you down.

People don’t know about me, that while I have a smile on my face and am encouraging others, I have a deep hurt in my heart that only the Lord can heal, can deal with. I only talk about it with Mr. Wonderful, and sometimes my sister. Nobody else even knows. So when people say, “You’re a shining example of what God wants us to be,” I cringe, and think, “if you only knew, you’d never put me on a pedestal.” If I’m in a really good place that day, I might smile to myself and say, “PRAISE GOD for rescuing me from the pit!”

Everyone has things in their life which threaten to bring them down. Everyone has problems and people who persecute them. Bad things happen, and you think you’re going to die. But then you don’t die. And what comes next is the tough choice: Do you decide to live again, and give those problems back to God, or do you strike out on your own, fighting those battles on your own?

Today, and every day, I choose to let God fight the battles for me.




2 thoughts on “You think you’re going to die, but then you don’t

  1. Jenny It’s hard to live one day, one minute at a time. It is called faith. True faith, not just the kind we talk of once in awhile. Would you change these things if you could? Oh for sure. Would you want to give up faith and strike out day after day never having to rely totally and give in completely to God’s will? The Bible is full of those who learned only to live faithfully day by day. You were chosen to live that way also…why you? I have my own thoughts why some of us are chosen to “not die”, when we think we must. I also think you know. Love you so much!

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