I look out my window onto the main drag of this town, and I’m transported by awe-inspiring beauty. The leaves are golden, and the grass is green. They sky is a perfect cloudless blue And so is my heart.
I’m so tempted to ask WHY this rash of slams against us again. I’m tempted to scream out at God, or to run away (as if the problems won’t catch back up with me). I want answers. I want PEACE. I want to stop worrying about the cost of the upcoming electric bill – the first of the heating season in this new place. I want to be kind and peaceful toward my family, but I’m finding it impossible. And anyway, who wants to listen to a whiner?
Slam One. The kiss-off.
Mr. Wonderful is searching for a job each and every day. He is addressing this search with such vigor, that I am completely knocked off my feet. I don’t believe I have that much passion for anything. Every day, he’s chasing down leads, praying about churches already considering him, and praying about possibly getting back his old job. There was a particularly convenient (and local) job lead that we maybe put too much stock into…. and that employer let him know the job is no longer available. The other candidate has a college degree and is working on post graduate work. OK. But Mr. Wonderful’s 7 years at his job is not typically considered “lack of experience”, as the employer stated. How weird. And unsatisfying. And frankly, how maddening.
Then just a few days later,
Slam Two. The B & E.
We shoe-horned ourselves and our possessions into this much smaller home this summer. To do that, we had to put much of what we own into storage. I abhor the thought of paying someone else to store my STUFF that apparently I don’t need, because it’s not with me. But I also wanted to be able to go through the things myself and get rid of them in due time.
Two nights ago, one of our units (oh yes, we have TWO) was broken into. The facility didn’t contact us. Mr. Wonderful was there while they were putting new bolts on the door. Apparently about 6 boxes of our things were stolen. Mr. Wonderful can’t identify what they were. “Probably just some picture frames,” he said. Oh really? Because we don’t have a bunch of old empty frames. If I bothered to place a picture in it, then it was important to me. Maybe not important enough to place on the walls of our current place, but not much was. We chose not to unpack everything, in anticipation of a move when Mr. Wonderful got a job.
I’m already completely annoyed, and beginning to worry that the boxes might contain personal information or pictures of our kids. And then this morning comes
Slam Three. ….. .
How can I even put words to this one? My heart is broken. My world is crashing down.
This morning, Mr. Wonderful talked to a person in charge of one of the investigations which had to happen because of the lies told about him earlier in the summer. The first, and most important investigation came back within 30 days, clean as a whistle, of course. The second investigation had to take into account the findings of the first, and the lady has decided NOT to clear Mr. Wonderful of any accused wrong-doing. We have 45 days to dispute it, which we certainly will, with the help of our lawyer.
The problem isn’t legal, however. There are two things in peril here: First, our foster license. Second: when I ever do finish my college degree, it will be in social work. See the problem? No more chance of ever having our girls’ brothers with them in the same home. And who’s ever going to want a social worker who’s had her fostering license revoked?
OK God. I’m Listening.
So then what now? I’m listening, God. How do we fix this? Where do we go from here? You’ve said to my heart 1 million times this morning not to worry, that You have this figured out. Well…. I don’t. And I’m not very hopeful right now.
I’ve taken the last half-hour away from writing this post, so I could gain some perspective. There’s one thing I know for certain, and that is that God holds us all in the palm of His mighty hand. I’m tired, and He says, “Find your rest in Me.” I am still very sick feeling, and He says, “Lean on Me.”
Precious Lord take my hand lead me on let me stand
I am tired I am weak I am worn
Through the storm through the night lead me on to the light
Take my hand precious Lord lead me home
The second line particularly, is how I feel. I am completely dragged out, and frankly I’m tired of all of this. Back on my knees in prayer, because I don’t know any other successful means to fix any of it.
I so wanted a clean, happy ending to this post today. I even wrote it out. Twice. But it’s not yet reality. I only know my Hope is in the Lord, and I’m pounding at the door to His throne room. I’m asking for a big fix to get us out of this mess. Lord Jesus, hear my cry.