Do you ever feel like you made up your mind to change or do something wildly different than usual, but when it comes right down to it, you’re scared out of your mind? And maybe afraid to take that next step? Or just not sure what to do about it?
Yeah, me too.
I didn’t intend to write this morning. I should be getting ready to go to work, but my heart is unsettled, and I’m trying to figure it out. I’m exasperated with many situations in my life, and feel trapped in some of them. The lack of money is wearing on me in a big way, and I feel like I could scream or cry, or maybe even both. I don’t feel like being nice anymore. And this is all on the heels of two days or really seeking out God’s will for our lives, and even taking some “first steps” of a new adventure, then getting scared out of my mind again.
Why don’t I go back to my Source? Why do I refuse to have the confidence of the children of God? I feel like a hot mess sitting here, feet freezing, fingers freezing, on the couch with 2 trillion cars going by per hour. (You know, I never hated the traffic until a friends mentioned it last week. Now I LOATHE IT!) God help me, because I don’t even know how to help myself!
We’re reading this book right now, called The Circle Maker, by Mark Batterson. We just finished Chapter 3. The book tells of an ancient Jewish Legend about a prayer warrior, called Honi, and how he claims God’s promise that if you circle something , (God honoring, and having discerned his Will for you), lay claim to it, physically and/or prayerfully draw a boundary around the thing about which you are praying, that God will honor your prayers and answer them.
As we know, we don’t always receive a YES, and even if we do, it may take a number of years. But God wants our BOLD prayers. Our specific prayers. God is asking, “What do you want me to do for you?” and if we don’t have a specific answer, how would we know if He answered our prayer, or if it was just a general set of coincidences resulting in an overall “better” feeling?
My specific prayers at the moment are for healing for illness in my family… colds, sinus, cough, healing for our finances, and not just enough to pay our bills, but tons more, so that we can go back to sewing in the name of Jesus, instead of just getting by, I miss sewing. I want to sew. My final prayer is that God shows us what He wants us to do with the opportunity He showed us this week. Because it scares me to death. And if God really wants it to happen, then HE alone, will have to line everything up.
Because this is bigger than what I can do as a mere human. This is bigger than what Carl and I can do together. I don’t even think I could recruit my entire family at this point, and be able to do what God is asking of us, So, yesterday, Carl and I went and walked a circle around this opportunity. We walked physically around a building that God put on our hearts. We drove for another hour and a half around the closest neighborhoods, and then neighborhoods that are further out. We talked and prayed and enjoyed each other, and it was wonderful. We came back feeling charged up and ALIVE.
So then, what right have I to flip out again? I don’t have any. Anxiety, schmanxiety. I am a daughter of the King, a warrior princess, and because my Father is the Lord of Lords, I won’t back down. I won’t be put in the corner. I won’t succumb to anxious worries and fear of rejection. I shall not be moved! I will make a circle around this ministry opportunity, and I will support Carl. I won’t be a liability to him with my nay-saying, or thinking, as the case usually is.
And I will go to work today, and every day for the next 8 days afterward. And I will shine with the light and love of Jesus. I will love the least, the last, and the lost. I’m going to put everything of myself into loving my family, and helping out where I can, and being relaxed so that when I take my kids to Secret Keeper Girl on Saturday, that they are happy to be around me.
I will stop eating food that doesn’t help me. I will stop overloading on caffeine. I will go to bed on time. I will find a way to exercise, even though it’s COLD outside. I am going to do all these things because God loves me, and I love Him, and I’ve been called according to His purpose. So the wrongs shall be righted, and the domino-fall from earlier this summer will be rectified. Pieces will be put back in place, and the Lord will heal all of these wounds.
May the Lord be with you today and always. My ardent prayer is that he softens the hearts of three people who are dear to me. I’m drawing a circle around that, too.