When we first moved here, the girls and I made a pact to treat this like we were on vacation. “Because on vacation,” I said, “we can’t ever find the sunscreen or our towel or toothbrush, and here we can’t either.” It worked for a long while, and now it’s just seeming like home, only not my home.
For one, the walls are a creamy beige. I love the color, but in MY house, I mean my former home, the living room walls were the prettiest blue gray color that my friend Tracy picked out. That color helped me relax without always hugging me to death with warmth and happiness. Sometimes, like right now, I just don’t wanna go and be happy. I wanna play sad country songs and cry in my milk sometimes.
And frankly, I’m tired of being strong. Everyone says, “Ooooh! Glad to hear you’re settling in!” Yeahhhhh;. Because my boxes are getting put away, then suddenly all is right with the world? Grrr. I’m so grouchy tonight. I know that people just don’t know what to say right now.
I don’t know what to say either. Ask me if I’m OK. and you’ll either get the “Yeah fine,” or you’ll get a sob story like none other. There’s rarely an in-between.
What needs to happen is that Mr. Wonderful needs a job. (He is still SO wonderful, though!) Then maybe we can ever see TV again. (TV isn’t the important thing, but we REALLY miss seeing it for 30 minutes to one hour per day.) And then we won’t have to live on the kindness of our friends and family members to carry us through financially until there’s a real paycheck.
I KNOW that through all this, God has a vision and a plan. I want to remain faithful to Him, and be a good witness to our children of His love. But sometimes I just don’t feel like rising above the circumstances. Sometimes, I just want to wallow in self-pity, for a half-minute, until I feel better. Sometimes, I just need to buy new lemons, because the ones that life handed me were all bruised and rotten, so I can’t even make that lemonade with them.
God, please help me to be strong when my family needs it. Help me to do my work while I’m at work, and to be sweet and tender to my family when they need that. Forgive me for being grouchy and having a bad attitude about everything today. I love you, God. Without You, my whole life is a wash. Thank you for giving us a pretty home nearer friends and family, and for our cat, Pookie, finally gracing us with her presence tonight. It’s going to be good here, I know it. Amen.