We had two floods in our basement last week. It usually doesn’t flood, but we usually don’t have that much rain, either. We stayed up one night until 3 in the morning, tossing things that we didn’t yet have in plastic totes or on shelves. (That is to say that our basement is a horrendous pit, and be glad you don’t have to see the before pic… or the after pic.)
I realized today that my heart is being healed. Praise God. Because after that last downer of a post I just didn’t know quite where I was heading. It took a little while, but I am surely on the upswing again.
As we cleaned out the basement and attacked the stack of boxes which, in 4 years, has not been unpacked, I came across something… Jamey’s baby blanket that I haven’t been able to find in 2 years. At first, I was struck, and then I just held it. I had to smell it just to check, but of course, after two years, it doesn’t smell like him. I heard Carl coming down the stairs, and I chucked the blanket into the bassinette. I sat there and didn’t turn around, but he’d seen me.
He hugged me from behind, and said something nice. I don’t remember what, or maybe I didn’t hear because I was crying. But my point is, that for so long after this loss, I felt alone and figured nobody’d know how I felt or how much I hated what happened.
— Let me insert here that I pray I can be encouraging in the face of others’ loss, and understanding, and sympathetic. I NEVER want to gripe about their problem so much that the person affected hates talking to me because I am no longer a place of rest for them.
We hugged for a few minutes and talked about God’s plans for Jamey and for us, and I realized that in the past two years, I have avoided the basement storage area like the plague, because of all the “Jamey Things”. We worked hard at it, and now there are just a couple of blankets, and some photos, and all the memories of his short time with us, etched on our hearts forever.
After that, I found a letter that Carl wrote to me about a month after we became engaged. It was so sweet and deep and filled with the love and tenderness he shows NOW that I appreciate so much. Back then, this letter would’ve been the exception rather than the rule. I don’t even know if I appreciated it back then. But today, it put everything into perspective. My husband and girls, my extended family, my work, things with Carl’s job, our living situation…. just everything.
I have to admit, coming from a 21-year-old it was very wise indeed.
And after the emotional letter, I opened a photo folder, to see my dear friend Renee, who passed away when we were 19. It’s startling that after nearly 21 years, the sweet smile, the precious eyes, the remembrance of her gentle soul… and then I was weeping again.
In all, we had a lovely day together. My house is still a pit. My girls and hubby and me will never be perfect. But I think the key is that we’re always trying to do better.